Not every act revealed on the Glastonbury Festival poster is as exciting as the others. As a self-proclaimed Glasto veteran* and music expert**, here are my picks for artists who’s presence on the line-up I’m not too happy about.

*ha

*hahahaha

Note: This article is a tongue-in-cheek response to my previous post; 15 Artists I’m Most Excited for at Glastonbury 2022. I purposefully chose artists which I’m a fan of, so don’t take it too seriously.

15. Blossoms

Friday 14:15 @ Other Stage

I watched Blossoms perform on the Pyramid in a recent year and couldn’t shake the feeling their sound couldn’t quite fill that immense stage. It’s a shame, because I quite like them, and they’re actually my partner’s favourite band. “If only they’d have been on the Other stage, I bet they’d have sounded so much better” were my thoughts. Well, this year they are! Except now they clash with Weg Leg – sorry lads.

14. Wolf Alice

Friday 16:45 @ Pyramid Stage

This is going to sound repetitive already, but Wolf Alice are a similar story. The sound wasn’t great when I viewed them playing the Pyramid stage a few years ago. The thing is, bands of this genre sound best when they’re a little rough around the edges. They’ve had plenty of time to mature their sound since, and maybe this year they’ll nail the Pyramid. But with First Aid Kit, Supergrass and TLC all appearing on alternative stages around the same time, I’m not sure if I’ll get to find out.

13. Sam Fender

Friday 20:15 @ Pyramid Stage

I actually moved to North Shields recently, where Sam hails from. He’s a local legend around these parts, and it’s easy to see why he and his music are so well liked. The issue is, I have a (completely baseless) feeling he might be too popular. This happened in 2017, when Ed Sheeran was headlining after Biffy Clyro, and I was trying to escape his monumental crowd to make it to Justice at West Holts. It wasn’t a fun experience, and I’d wager that Sam Fender followed by Billie Eilish will have similar crowd draw. Let’s hope it isn’t as much effort this year as I try to escape to see Foals.

12. Sugababes

Friday 21:35 @ Avalon Stage

Am I one of those people that thinks certain genres should be excluded from Glasto, and the festival should be all about classic rock like the good ol’ days? The very opposite – I’m just sad that I won’t get to sing along to About you now because the Avalon Stage is such a pain to get to (and inside of).

11. My Nu Leng

Saturday 04:30 @ The Temple

This one should be obvious. I really want to go, but the set finishes at 6am? Really? I’m too old for this sh*t.

10. Scouting For Girls

Saturday 18:30 @ Acoustic Stage

Acoustic Stage – why?! It’s so far away.

9. Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds

Saturday 19:15 @ Pyramid Stage

Unlike Liam, Noel doesn’t tend to like playing Oasis songs in his sets.

Just give the people what they want.

8. Gentleman’s Dub Club

Friday 20:50 @ Glade

I tried to see them at Blind Tiger in 2019. Alas, it was expectedly far too crowded to get anywhere near. Glade’s a much bigger arena, so this should be perfect. Only, if you want to make it to the Pyramid stage in time to see Paul McCartney as anything other than a small dot in the far distance, you’ll need to be there before this set even starts.

7. The Hoosiers

Saturday 23:05 @ Avalon Stage

The very definition of a band that you know are going to be great fun live, and a guaranteed good time at glasto. But at the same time, it would be criminal to go and see them over an actual, living member of the Beatles, performing Beatles songs, on the Pyramid.

6. Fatboy Slim

Sunday 01:15 @ Gas Tower

He’s seemingly there every year. And every year it seems impossible to see him. Most irritatingly, 2022 appears to be his most favourable year, but the clashes are still there. Sorry Cook, but Calvin Harris edges you out here, and the Friday set at Sonic has even more strong contenders for the time slot.

5. Black Dyke Band

Sunday 11:30 @ Pyramid Stage

The eagle-eyed will notice that the Black Dyke Band also made a showing on my 15 Artists I’m Most Excited for at Glastonbury 2022 list. So, why the double appearance? Put simply, 11:30am on the final day is a bit of a hard sell. It might not sound early, but by this point in the festival the lack of sleep from dancing into the (very) early hours over the past couple of days has reached boiling point. No doubt I’ll crawl out of my tent, requisition some breakfast and ramble over to the Pyramid in time, but my body won’t be too happy about it.

4. TBC

Sunday 14:00 @ John Peel Stage

TBC acts (yet to be announced) at the John Peel stage are always a gamble. It could quite literally be someone incredible… or not. Even more heinous for the time slot directly conflicting with Herbie Hancock, so if it is someone incredible, I’ll have to miss it.

3. TBC

Sunday 18:15 @ The Park

As above, but the later time slot makes this even more likely to be a big artist. But with both Elbow and McFly elsewhere at the same time, someone big indeed would be needed to shift focus. The rumour’s always that it’s Radiohead… but it actually could be this time?

2. Lorde

Sunday 19:30 @ Pyramid Stage

I really do want to see Lorde in her sub-headliner slot. Green light will absolutely pop off and I’m already feeling disappointed I won’t be there to experience it. But I’ve already shunned Little Dragon enough times in recent years in favour of seeing another act that’s on at the same time, and this year I’ve vowed to finally see them. The clashes never get easier.

1. Kendrick Lamar

Sunday 21:45 @ Pyramid Stage

Why Kendrick isn’t opening the festival on the Pyramid’s Friday headliner slot is beyond me. He’s the ideal opener, apt to get the party started, and I would have loved to see him there. By the time Sunday evening comes around I’m pining for something that gets the whole crowd singing and dancing along. Hey look, it’s the Pet Shop Boys on the Other Stage…